Okay. What’s top of mind for you right now?
I guess I can start at the beginning with my story. We started trying to get pregnant when I was about 30 years old, 29-30. Me and my husband found out that we couldn’t conceive naturally or unassisted.
And so we started down the path of IVF. We did a couple IUIs that failed and then went into IVF had a really successful egg retrieval and then got pregnant with our first embryo, the first try with my son Hendrick. And we were very excited. So he was our first born, unfortunately I carried him to 39 and a half weeks. And at my last ultrasound appointment, he had no heartbeat anymore. And so, I… yeah, I had to deliver him and he was stillborn at 39 and a half weeks.
So, they never really, I mean, there’s not a lot of research on stillbirth. There’s not a lot of answers with stillbirth. And unfortunately not a lot of funding goes in to figure out why stillbirth occurs. So I mean, I guess I have some answers, but something with the placenta bled out and stopped his heart and so, and they figured that out through blood tests that had a high amount of fetal blood in my blood. So, that’s how they kind of came to that conclusion.
But when your baby dies, you don’t really think about, you still have to give birth to them. So, I had to give birth to him. He was born April 7th, 2022. And, yeah, he’s still very much a part of our family at this point. And yeah, we talk about him all the time. He is in our house. We cremated him, so he sits in our living room and, yeah, I couldn’t part with him. I couldn’t bury him or having to make those kind of decisions for your baby is impossible. And then, leaving the hospital was impossible. I mean, they literally had to roll me outta there to leave the hospital.
Can you talk about that just for a second? Yeah, yeah. Like, tell me, tell me what was hard about, what specifically felt hard about leaving the hospital?
I mean, leaving your baby behind and knowing you’re never gonna see him again. Not that he was alive, but that was the first and last time I saw him in person, and the hospital gives you the choice. You’re kind of loud. But the hospital’s like whenever you are ready to go. And so it’s like, well, I’m never gonna be ready to go. It’s never gonna be enough time. And yeah, it’s just. This little soul you carried for nine months and you just have to walk away without him never to be seen or held again. I mean, most hospitals give you a box of stuff, a hat, or you know, blanket, that sort of thing. But yeah, so a lot of people who have had still births, they are like, oh yeah, I left the hospital with a box instead of a baby. So, but yeah, it’s been almost four years. It’ll be four in this coming April. I’ve done a lot of work to heal and accept what happened, and I think I’ve come very far compared to other people I’ve met and know, but yeah, it can still be challenging every day.
But after he was born, I mean, we still wanted a sibling for him. And it’s weird, like even though he’s gone, like, you just have this want to be pregnant again. Even though, you know it’s not gonna be him, it’s just this want to be pregnant again.
So we did another round or another embryo transfer that failed. And then did another embryo transfer, a third one that was successful but ended up being an ectopic pregnancy that was in my fallopian tube. And so, then I had to have emergency surgery to have my fallopian tube removed and the pregnancy aborted. So not an ideal second pregnancy either. And that was at about eight weeks of gestation. But, that pregnancy I kind of forget about a lot of times, but it just, I don’t know, didn’t really feel very real or like it even happened.
Then after that we did another embryo transfer. Which failed. And then after that we did a fifth embryo transfer, which is Henley, my daughter, she’ll be one in about two weeks. She was born in November and a perfectly normal pregnancy. I had gestational diabetes with both pregnancies, which is always a challenge, but yeah, she has brought a new light into our life and has given me a reason to keep going and, yeah. So we’re very lucky to have her and she is the happiest, happiest baby. She’s pretty darn cute. Yeah. Yeah. You’re pretty darn cute.
Can you talk a little bit about how you, how you’ve been grieving your, yeah. Your pregnancy loss.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, Hendrick, I mean, that first two years was pretty unbearable. I just remember, I mean, someone would ask me, how are you doing? And I would just start crying, you know, you just got used to crying all the time. And, yeah, I mean, I’ve lost like grandparents and, you know, other, had other losses, but nothing quite felt. Nothing felt as hard as that loss. It just is not the natural order of things and not, not how it’s supposed to happen.
But yeah, it’s, it’s hard to explain. How hard the grief was, especially in the beginning. ‘Cause I mean, I dealt with not wanting to be alive anymore. I dealt with, you know, telling and saying those kind of things to your mom or husband. They’re like, oh my God, what do I do? So I did find a support group that I’ve met a lot of people who are amazing and have been through similar experiences. So, that helped, that saved my life. I mean, that group saved my life, so, yeah. I always have someone to go to who understands, you know, what I’m feeling in that moment or has felt the same thing.
And so, yeah, the grief was excruciating though. I knew I wanted to get to a place though, where I didn’t only think about him with sadness and always being upset about it. I wanted to get to a place where like I could celebrate that he did exist. And so I feel like I’ve, I’ve gotten to that place. You know, whenever we see a rainbow in the sky. We think it’s him saying hi. I feel like I’ve seen more rainbows in the last four years than I have, you know, the last 35 years before.
And every year we have a little birthday party on his birthday, and so we get a cake and have our families and celebrate him. We got a memorial bench in one of the Beaverton parks for him. He’s also got a brick at a park where there’s a baby loss event at every year in Sandy. There’s a, there’s a whole pathway of baby names. So he has a brick there and we’ve got a shelf in our living room of all his stuff and pictures of him and yeah. So, I found ways to keep him alive. At holidays also, I always bring a picture and a candle to light for him.
And, a couple weekends ago, I had a bunch of my lost mom friends over to decorate white pumpkins for our babies that had died. So it was a really, it was a fun way, you know, fun way to get together and have an event for our babies that aren’t here anymore and spend some time with them. Yeah. But I’m excited for her to grow up and keep learning about him and we have like a little stuffed bear that’s like the same weight as when he was born and she always goes up and hugs it. So Sweet. That’s really cute. Yeah. You hug Hendrick Bear. Yeah. Yeah, I know.