I was 25 years old. I got married early, got pregnant. I honestly had no idea what was happening. I was so at that time in my life, like, detached from my body, but I was adamant about having a natural birth.
Because one time I went to get my eyes done, and it was about a year before I had gotten pregnant, and the medication that dilates your eyes, somehow I swallowed it and my lower half of my body went numb and it freaked me out. And I heard if you get an epidural, you don’t have a feeling. So at the time I had really, really bad anxiety. I was like, ‘I am not getting any kind of needles near me, and I’m gonna have a natural birth.’
So, somehow, somewhere, someone told me about hypnobirthing, and Mary Mongan. At the time, we still had the CDs. I started listening to those CDs. In my mind I look back now, I’m like, well, I was more aware than I realized ’cause I would listen to these CDs and it really taught me how to prepare for birth. My husband and I went to a class together and he’s a very traditional, you know, financial advisor kind of guy. And he’s like, ‘Why are we all mooing? What have you brought me to, you freaking weirdo?’
So when it finally came to my labor, I’ll never forget it, it was the night of the Grammys and I had gone to Indian food. I was trying to naturally induce myself because I think I was a couple days late. I was like, ‘This needs to come out. I am done.’ I had spicy Indian food and I was like, ‘Hey, let’s go on a walk.’ After we ate and I walked on the, you know, on the sidewalk. I heard if you put one leg up, one leg on the asphalt, it kind of opens your hips.
I came home after that, I bounced on a ball, like everything. I did everything that you’re supposed to do. And that night I started having contractions and my husband’s like, ‘Are you okay?’ I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Go to bed.’ I was up all night by myself. I had been trained from this CD, from this hypnobirthing philosophy, to trust my body. So we breathed together and we were already a team, my girl and I. I was in my bathtub and I was doing all the breathing.
Now, at five in the morning, I go downstairs and I’m like incessantly cleaning the island. I’m not usually the most domestic person. And then as I’m cleaning the orchids, I can’t stand anymore. And I’m like, ‘Shit. We should probably go.’ So I go upstairs, I’m barely walking up the stairs. I’m like, ‘You gotta get up.’ He’s like, ‘Wait, are you sure?’ I was like, ‘You need to get up. We need to go to the hospital.’
So we’re driving. I am like in fucking excruciating pain. Obviously I’ve never had a baby. I don’t know what was happening. We get to the hospital and I was like, ‘We need to go now.’ And he pulls up, walks me through, we go to triage, they sign me in. And they’re like, oh, basically she’s a first-timer. She’s probably not even barely dilated. This is intense. They get me in, they check me. I am nine millimeters dilated. I’ll never forget my midwife at the time, Mary Lewis, comes in and I was like, ‘I, I’m, I’m gonna die. And I can’t do this.’ She’s like, ‘I know you and you can do this. But we’re gonna have to rupture your water. This is what’s kind of holding you back.’ So she brings out this giant cream plastic-looking needle thing. But there was full trust after that point.
By the way, I had written a birth plan that was dim the lights. And I had brought this electric candle. And I had really set the mood. My mom was with me and my husband was there. And oh, and my best friend. My husband was so terrified, I’ll never forget he was on the other side of the room. And my mom was of course, right there with me, but like really pushing on my back, like too hard. And my best friend to this day… she’s just like, ‘What?’ Like, it was comedic. Thank God I wasn’t relying on anyone in that first birth to really support me. I really did support myself and I thank my hypnobirthing because I mooed my daughter out.
The mooing, and working with my midwife. Was it actual mooing? I was mooing. I mean, it was like ‘moooo.’ It really helped. It was that bearing down. They always talked about you’re bearing down. And of course, I was mortified. I pooped, I threw up, I did all the things. But she was born two hours later. And she was almost nine pounds. After that, I became the most powerful woman I ever knew. And I did it two more times after that. But it was unbelievable. And just that instinct and even at such a young age, even if you’ve dealt with trauma in your body. And I left my body when I was so young ’cause I had some sexual trauma, but my children taught me to come back to her. So I could come back to them. It was pretty incredible.
I mean, I left out some parts of like the emotions and the doubt and the fear. The true fear—I really thought I was gonna die. I mean, I’d never experienced pain of that caliber. And I heard it’s like getting 70 bones broken at the same time. And then when people would ask me, like my friends who’d never had a baby, I was like, ‘Listen, imagine getting hit by a semi-truck, but then being run over by a train,’ and they’re like, ‘Cool, Ma. So thanks.’
And trust, I think you really have to trust yourself and the process, and that your body does know what to do, and also trust that intervention is needed. I learned that in my later birth. You know, by the time my third one, I was four centimeters dilated. I was like, ‘Gimme the epidural, gimme the Pitocin.’ My oldest daughter is standing there eating her Lays chips. ‘Mom, when is she gonna come out?’ I was like, ‘Get out of the room!’ I wasn’t this like, zen. I was third time around. I just need a little more help, so it’s so interesting how they were all so different. And my daughters are all so different and really the way they came into this world is the way that they are.
So all three were vaginal births. Two of ’em were natural birth. My third I had epidural and Pitocin and all the goods. And they are now 16, 13, and my youngest will be six on Halloween. And how do their personalities reflect the births? I mean, Seema is just always like, ‘Let’s go, mom. I’m ready to go.’ And then my birth was like, ‘I’m here. We gotta go.’ And Layla really needs a schedule, really needs warning. My body warned me, my water broke hours before. Like, there was a lot of preparation, but then when she did come, it was the most explosive of them all. It was just like, ‘I’m here.’ And even as a child, we called her ‘The Exorcist.’ She would scream and scream and scream until she would pass out. She just… she very much knew who she was, but she needed her time. But then once she was ready, she was gonna fuck you up.
And my third, it was just like, ‘I am gonna go with the flow.’ The way that I had to go with the flow with that pregnancy and not put so much pressure on myself like, ‘This is the way I said I was gonna do it.’ I was like, ‘You know, I’ve done this before. My body just really can’t go through this. I need some support.’ And she very much knows who she is. Her walk in life is very confident and so I can always equate the ways that they came in with who they are now