So, I never actively wanted kids or saw myself as a mom, but I also never actively remembered deciding like, “no.” But it somehow is a decision that gets made by default over the passage of time, but also unmade constantly by people in your life or strangers or culture. And then suddenly it’s back on the table.
I have had two miscarriages in my life. Both were really early in the pregnancy and both were very welcome because I was in my early twenties and didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. And I was programmed to like spend my whole reproductive life basically avoiding, like aggressively avoiding, pregnancy. Like it was this big consequence. And so, mostly successfully avoiding pregnancy, I guess.
So when I fell in love with my now husband, um, and he’s seven years younger than me, I was really worried that it was gonna be a thing, aside from the fact that men just have different reproductive lifespans than women do. But I was really relieved – like we were talking about it relatively early in our relationship and he was like, “yeah, I mean, I guess we could have kids, or we could have a life that we enjoy together for the next 18 to 25 years instead of strife and no money.” And I was like, “case closed, like, got it.”
But you can imagine my surprise when this past Saturday we’re waiting for our Lyft, from like a night drinking at a friend’s birthday – like a thing that would’ve been probably hard if we had kids. We’re with all of our child free friends – celebrating them. And he, I can’t remember how it came up, but he’s like, “so are you still sure about the… like that that’s not a thing for you?” And I was like, “a thing for me??? What’s happening right now?” Yeah, it’s just something that was never fully on the table. Never fully off the table. And even if I had said, “no, the door’s closed” either for physical or emotional or decision reasons, that somehow it’s always back on the table, back in the discussion.
So it just feels like a never ending decision. Like at some point this isn’t gonna be a thing I have to decide anymore, right? Surely. But, yeah.
(Can I ask how that conversation went?)
I don’t even think I said anything more than. “I’m 43. I’m, I’m already so tired.” He’s like, “yeah.” I was like, “is it back on the table for you?” He’s like, “no, not really. Just, I thought I’d check.” I was like, “great.” Anyway, we have a great relationship. I love him very much. And um, shit like that just happens, you know?