So I also didn’t start with a story. I kind of categorized three fields of change for me. So I’m 56 and I’ve not had a period in a year and a quarter. And so I categorize things in the physical realm, the stepping into my power realm, and the wider wise woman lens.
The physical one. My big thing is sweats. So I have chronic insomnia. I’ve had insomnia since my twenties, so that’s nothing new for me, but the body temperature regulation thing is definitely new. Like In bed especially, at the peak, if my partner touched me, I’d be drenched. And it went on and it kind of has come and gone. So I’m a clinician, so this has been really like an ‘n of 1.’ I’m studying it, and so I’m not doing HRT just so I can kind of study like, what is this?
And I’m looking at it like shape-shifting, like the Hulk drinks, you know, this goop. And then he’s like “eghhheuhhh” and then he becomes the Hulk. And I kind of feel like this is just a long drawn out process of shape-shifting that is the natural order of things just like puberty. You know, kids who are 12, 13, they’re awkward and they bump into things and the acne and like weird hairs growing; like, this is another rendition of that. So I’m shape-shifting and I’m sweating like a motherfuck, and I’m like, ‘Okay, like, that’s cool. Like I’m sweating. Anyway, like, how’s it going? I’m sweating, like, how’s it going?’
So that’s the main physical thing for me. Stepping into my power. Like I’m not afraid to speak my mind. I’m done placating. I’m in a position where finally my dreams are coming first. I have two kids and I’m a wife in a heterosexual marriage, and now I’m putting myself first and it feels amazing. And I’m not afraid of conflict, like the fights, oof, they get explosive quickly.
And that will sort of dive into my story, which is more on the sex thing, which is, in my younger years, I could override, maybe I wasn’t quite in the mood, but I could override it and get there, and then things were fine. Now I cannot override it. If I’m not in the mood, I am not in the mood and dry in that moment, I am like, bone dry, like, no. And there was a moment where I was, I could tell, you know, old patterns, and I remember the moment where I was like, ‘No fucking way.’ And that just felt so good of just like, nope. Just a no. A flat out, no.
And you know, there’s like bits of what is me feeling like I’m in touch with my body and what is physiological, natural vaginal wall thinning and less lubrication because that’s part of the shape-shifting. So I’m kind of playing with doing a little bit more attention to my vagina than I did in my younger years and also listening to what my body is telling me. It’s really, really fascinating.
And I’ve also noticed with the sweats, like at the peak, what would elicit the sweats would be a moment of—it wasn’t even like emotional elicitation—it would be like, ‘Should I do this or that?’ I’d sweat. Like, I don’t even know. Like it is just really fascinating to watch it. And so that’s something that’s happening. But the moment when I was really clear about, ‘I’m not gonna override my body,’ was a moment of stepping into my power, sexually.
The third category is the wider lens, which is being aware of my mortality at this stage and like creating my legacy. Like what do I wanna leave behind? How do I wanna leave this time/place? I feel like we get to rent these bodies for 80 plus or minus years if we’re lucky. And that’s it. We get that and I’m closer to the end of that. I’m closer to my expiration date, so no more fucking around. And so in that I’m also connecting with beyond this physical human form, talking to other living and non-living entities. I could say plants, I could say ancestors, I could say the ocean, fire, all the things. And it’s helping me really tap into why am I here and what do I wanna leave behind? And that feels beautiful. It’s like feeding my power in a lot of ways. And so I guess that’s it.