When I was six, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor maybe touching my pituitary gland. And it caused me to have, like not a particularly different puberty than would’ve been for most people, but because I was on hormone blockers, otherwise I would’ve gone through puberty really early.
And so I feel like at six my doctor was basically like the likelihood that you could ever be pregnant is very low. Of course, things have happened, you know, things could happen, but he was like, it’s just really low. So I’m 39. I turned 40 this summer. It’s like that moment where I was in New Orleans last year, and I had one of those vaginal tears and I was like, oh, I’m never gonna be pregnant. Like I hadn’t been on birth control at that point for like a couple years, several years. And I was like, oh. And now this is like the moment. Do you know what I mean? When you like are in that process of accepting something that you’ve always known was true, but you’re like pushing over into the, and now we are here.
And I was like, oh, it’s funny that I’m like in New Orleans with my husband having this like, great, it was his 40th birthday. And I was like, oh, and also this other thing. So I feel like that has been the biggest thing for me because other than that moment, there’s been nothing like. Yeah. Like when you were like, I feel so sick. I remember exactly. I was standing in a creek, Lindsay was like, “I am dying”. And I was like, “why?” And then she was like, “I think I smoked too much weed”. And I was like, “I think you smoked a normal amount of weed for your 40th birthday. Like, you’re fine. I’ve never heard you say this”. Yeah. I was like, I think you’re fine. But like I have friends who like have the sweats and I just don’t have any of that yet. So I think the thing for me is being like, oh, this moment is closing, this window is closing. But it’s also been something that I have been aware of my whole life. So it’s just that like process for me, the hard thing, and it’s funny because it relates to the HRT is like people asking about it and you don’t really wanna be like, so when I was six, my mother saw me standing again with other six year olds and she was like, she looks really tall and they did a hormone, you know, I can’t go into that. And then people feel so awkward and I’m like, “no, look, I go to a lot of counseling, it’s fine”.
But I think that’s been the weirdest thing is like people unintentionally… Oh, just recently, my in-law’s friend who lives in their apartment, she’s like, “so when are you guys gonna have kids?” And I’m like, so actually I let my husband take that one. But it’s people unintentionally walking into things and then you have this awkward conversation where you’re like, yes, this person gets to have kids and I don’t get to have kids, but the world is fucking unfair.
And if you wanted to live a whole life of feeling like other people get something that you don’t get, you can do that and it’s a shitty life. So I feel like that has been part of the process. This has been the thing that has been…. feels the most unfair to me in my life, but I also have known about it my whole life.
So I’m like, all right, well, okay, next. And I will also say like what you were saying is that feel very thankful to connect with other women in terms of there are so many women who like choose to not be pregnant or had kids. You know, all you have to do is go on Reddit and I regret having kids and I’m like, oh, right. This is, you know, the experience of women is so – the plethora. And I think that’s been really helpful, that there’s not like one way to be a woman.