So I have two kids. They both came out of my belly. Both were a surprise outta my belly. My first kid was two weeks late. So I got induced and that felt disappointing. Like, I didn’t really care how it happened so much, but still, you know. You have in your head the vision that you kind of know-ish. So she got induced. And they were like, we’re gonna give you the medicine at night so you can sleep through the night while things start ramping up. One hour after giving me the medicine, I was like, “it’s really hard to lie. I don’t think I can sleep. I’m in labor.” And the doctor was like, well, if you can’t speak. Then Yes. And I was like, yes. Like, I was talking to him, but then I’d have to stop and be like, he he he he, like you are in labor. And I was like, that’s cool. I love not getting to sleep. Surprise.
I labored through the night, I think, I don’t remember. And then they were like, nothing’s really happening.
Let’s, let’s up your whatever, Pitocin or whatever they give you. And then my daughter’s heartbeat kept dropping every time they’d ramp it up. And that went on for a couple hours. It was very scary. And nurses would flood the room as her heartbeat dropped and doctors would come in and student doctors, I don’t even know. At one point my partner was like out of the room getting coffee and he just like sees people running into my room. He’s like, what the fuck is happening. But it was fine. I do remember this nurse the first time they put oxygen on me when they were like, her heartbeat’s dropping, we’re gonna give you oxygen, da da da. And she pulled out her nurse voice, which was like, so warm and so firm. And I was like, I know this voice. It’s a teacher voice, you know, like this is cool. And I was very into it.
Before I went into labor at this hospital, we went and did a tour. And I remember the head nurse (it was at this New York hospital). She’s telling all the people who are gonna give birth, and she’s like, look, we wanna help you, but you gotta open your mouth. We don’t know what you want if you can’t open your mouth. You gotta open your mouth and then we can do what you want. We want to help you. And I really like, that’s really helpful. So I held that in my head. So then finally the doctor was like, well, like what do you wanna do? Her heartbeat keeps dropping and I remember just having so much fear of getting a C-section and being like, oh my God, like I don’t even know. And it’s surgery and the baby and me and I don’t know. The doctor looked at me and I was like, I don’t know what to do. And I was very grateful that this doctor had been recommended to me. Like for most of my pregnancy, he was kind of indifferent. And I was like, you seem like maybe you suck, but all the nurses and the person, the doctor, who referred me to him were like, he’s great.
And right at the moment where I really needed him to be great, he shined. And I was like, oh, that’s why everyone thinks you’re great. Because I was so scared, and he looks at me and he goes, it can’t be my choice. It can’t be what your doula wants. It just has to be what you think is best, and just handed control to me. And I was like, well, I don’t know what is best. I don’t know. And I was like, how do I figure it out? He’s like, well, let’s talk about how you’re feeling. I was like, sir, I can talk about my feelings all day long. Yes, I can do that. And I was like, well, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it just seems like every time we do the medicine, her heartbeat drops. And he was like, well, sounds like you do know what you wanna do. And I was like, I DO. I’m gonna get a C-section.
I’m crying with my partner and it was scary and nice, you know? Like somebody had told me before the C-section, a friend was like, we had a surprise C-section, just so you know, at some point during the C-section, you’ll get the shakes if you have a C-section. I was like, okay, that’s good to know. And then my partner picked the music, ’cause you can pick the music for your operating room. And he was like, what do you want? I was like, I never make that choice. You’re in charge of that please. And he picked the music we got married to. And I’m just sitting there in this operating room very high on all the drugs they gave me. And I was like, wow, this is great. I love this.
I remember there were these lights above me, the operating lights, but they were like orange and blue and pink and purple, and I was like, wow, these lights are just the best. I’m just gonna look at these lights. And this is fine. Again, very high. And I was talking to my partner about the lights, and he was like, are you dying – talking about the lights?
So he was worried. But then I remember, at one point they moved the curtain because they were like, do you wanna see? And I was like, no. Mm-hmm. He does. I do not want to, nope. But so they backed up the curtain and it blocked the lights. And I really heard the nurse’s voice in my head and I was like, the lights? And they were like, what? I was like, please move the curtain so I could see the lights. And the doctor was like, why? And I was like, because they are beautiful. And they did. They moved the curtain and I was like, great. We’re good again. Let’s go.
So, you know, they really handed me the control as long as I asked for it. And then my daughter came out healthy, they sewed me up, and I was fine.
And then six months later, my husband took my daughter on a trip and I had a week to myself. I got high – for real high – and immediately the first thing I wanted to think about was her birth. Prior to that I was like, I don’t really want to talk about it. I don’t really wanna… and it was so interesting. I was ready to think about it. I remember crying in the shower and finally deciding it was a good birth. It was a good birth, you know. Not that there’s good or bad or whatever, but just in my head I was like, I’ve thought about it and it feels good to me.
SECOND DELIVERY
So my second one, he decided to show up a week early. So I went into labor and I was expecting just the same thing to happen. Because, you know, your brain knows what it knows. And I was like, okay, it will probably be the same. But nope, I went into labor without being induced and I was like, oh shit, I guess I am gonna have a baby like this and maybe it’s gonna come out of my vagina. Like, wow, this feels shocking to me. I went into labor and it was very painful.
I had been in labor for maybe six or seven hours and I went to the hospital because the contractions were pretty close. And I remember the intake nurse or something was like, well you’re one centimeter, so do you wanna go take a walk for a while and come back? And I was looking at this man being like, I am in so much pain right now. Like every three minutes. Like I’m gonna fucking take a walk in the rain. Like, sir. He was like if we give you medication for the pain we can admit you and give you meds. And I was like, that option, yes, please. So they took me in and gave me meds, which I was very happy about. I’m not a good pain person. I just get so angry and I wanna murder everyone and I hate everything and don’t touch me. So I took the meds and that was great. Loved that.
And then I got all the way to eight centimeters dilated. And my doctor came – they called him. And hours later he was like, well, nothing’s happening. I was like, okay. And he is like, he hasn’t descended even a little bit. Like he’s not. And I was like, why do you think that is? It was the same doctor. And he is like, well, he might be big, he might have the cord wrapped around his neck, not really sure. And I was like, what’s the likelihood if we wait till tomorrow, that he’ll come out? He’s like, it’s possible – he’s been doing this for 40 years – unlikely but possible. And again, he in this moment hands me all the control. He’s like, it’s up to you. We can wait. Like it is your decision, whatever you want. And I was like, I don’t wanna be in labor anymore and I’ve already done this once. Why would I do this for 12 more hours? I’ve already done it for like a whole day. Let’s go. So we did another C-section.
So both of my kids were born in the same room. In New York City, which I think is so funny and weird. And I think that the music was nice. I wasn’t as high and it wasn’t as novel an experience, you know, two times, whatever.
But I remember I had asked my partner. I said, after this time, can you put the baby’s cheek to my cheek so I can do like cheek to cheek or whatever? And he was like, sure. And when they were sewing me up I could feel it and I was like, oh no, I can feel this. And I didn’t know what that meant. And they’re like, do you want more medication? I was like, yes, absolutely. And so they gave me more medication and then I knocked out. My partner was like, I couldn’t do cheek to cheek for you ’cause you were knocked out. And I was like, you don’t get to be upset with me. Reel that in. And he did.
But I always remember, like, I never connected to my babies in the way that I think a lot of people, or some people, do where they’re like, this is my child, and the deep feeling of connection. It took me a long time for my brain to process and be like, this is my baby. And like, what does that mean? I’d say probably like a year or more. And I think, well, maybe if we had done cheek to cheek. It feels like a myth and not real, but I’m always like, maybe if we had, and I’m like, no, that’s not real. I think it’s just my brain. And thankfully it was my partner’s brain too. He also was like, there’s a baby alien. And I was like, I know I don’t get it either. But we got there eventually.
POSTPARTUM
It was really interesting for me after my second kid that postpartum was so much harder than my first, and I don’t fully understand it. I think it was like trauma-based from my childhood. We already had a kid. We were both so tired. My husband was working like 60 hour weeks for most of the pregnancy. And most of my daughter’s toddlerhood he wasn’t available. And so now we’ve got two. And I just felt so overwhelmed by all of it that I just immediately entered this space where I was like, me and my partner, we’re not on the same team. Like I felt we were not on the same team. And then did a lot of things because of that. I was like, we’re not on the same team, but never really said it out loud, more just was feeling that way and doing a lot of stuff because of it. And about like two years later, I remember we were having an argument about something where I was like, well, I’m gonna go out and I’m gonna see these friends and, you know, I just don’t want you to be upset. He got so mad at me and he was like, we have been together for so long. Who do you think I am that I would get mad at you for going out to see your friends? And I was like, right, right, right, right. And it was just all this stuff from childhood that I was bringing that wasn’t real. And from that point forward, I think we shifted a lot better to being like, right, that’s not real. Like it’s just me, freaking out and also patriarchy, blah, blah, blah. All of the things.
So it was, it was interesting, the postpartum. But yeah, that’s all my stuff. Those are my stories.
Is there anything that your husband could have done during that time to help you feel like you were on the same team?
I wish someone had given me like a one pager before having a kid, or pregnancy or delivery or postpartum of how trauma might affect you. And I know those exist and I know there’s like huge books and whatever, but I had no brain space for it. I wish someone had just kind of been like, these things might come up for you. I think it would’ve given me more of a place to think about it and talk about it. And I think it also, I feel like our generation just got handed this idea that like everybody works and that’s fine. And you have a career and you have a career and then you have kids and whatever. And I just feel like yes, that is often the way. But it’s feels so fucked up that there’s just so much to do if everybody’s working. And then the patriarchy often, if it’s a guy, they might be working more and then you’re left with more, you know? And it was a decision we made together, but it was still just so much and it was such a surprise.
Yeah, I was in grad school at the time so I couldn’t stop working. So we ended up getting help to come in, which again is such a privilege. And it was great, but it was all so much after-the-fact where I was like, you either need to quit your job or we need to hire someone. And it was like, oh. Oh, okay. I think that happened when I was eight months pregnant with my second child. I was like, I can’t do this. And it’s like, wow. I wish we had thought about this months before. And I remember when my first kid was born and I was working full-time. Once I was back at work, after family leave, I started hiring a friend of ours on and off. And then more and more, because I was like, I can’t do this. And my partner was like, why do we keep having our friend come so often? And I was like. Oh, you don’t know. You actually don’t know. And I was like, you can’t ask me that question again because it’s just a reminder how you don’t know. And he was very gracious. He was like, I understand. You know? And then we got help.
What was the paternity-maternity leave situation?
I had three months. He had three weeks the first time and two weeks the second time. Something like that. And I’m like, I’m such an extrovert that when my first was born, I had people almost every day come by. I was like, who wants to come hang out with the baby and me? And I’d be like, here’s my baby. You can hold my baby. I’m gonna go do my dishes. You know, and that was great. But then with my second there was the toddler and then the baby, and it was harder to just be like, come by if you want. I was like, I need help. So. much. Help. All the time. Help. Then we left New York City and that was great, and now he does not work 80 hour weeks, so also great.