I haven’t always known that I didn’t want kids, and I think that that makes me skeptical of my desire today. Like, I’ve flip-flopped. And I have, like, probably time for one more flip flop.
I’m 37, so we’ve got time, and I think that that totally freaks me out. One, because I would have to totally upend my life. But I also have friends who have kids – a lot of them had kids really late. Like one at 39, one had her second at 41. So I’m like, oh, there’s definitely still time.
And she had been like, “probably not, probably not” – both her and her husband. And then they were like, “no, yes,” they had the opposite COVID thing that most people had where they were like, no. They were like, yeah, actually we’ll do this.
So for me, I think, particularly when I was younger, I really wanted kids when my life wasn’t as stable. I really wanted consistent love and care and like healthy attachment. And I wanted to make sure that when I died someone would take care of me – for very selfish reasons.
I mean, I was in my twenties, but, you know, everything was selfish.It just made so much sense and I was always with people who were either ambivalent or didn’t want kids. That was when I dated men, and now I don’t date men anymore and am in a long-term relationship with someone who definitely doesn’t want kids, and there’s just no biological way for us to do that.
So it would be so much work and probably be the end of my relationship that it’s like, well, I don’t want either of those things. I don’t wanna pay a bunch of money. As a queer person, you just have to be so like, “I actually want this” ’cause I’m gonna do all this shit that I have to do. And I wanted a whoopsie. I would’ve loved a whoopsie in my twenties. Like I was like sort of going for a whoopsie. Honestly, like I was. Especially with people who weren’t sure – I was like, hmm, I like this. It was not a healthy time.
And there being no whoopsy potential in my life is sort of weird. I have an IUD, so it would be so impossible to get pregnant. But I see how much I’ve changed and evolved in my life that I know I’m not as recognizable to myself as I was when I was in my twenties. And so, what if there’s this version of me that’s 41 who’s not recognizable to the version of me who was 30, who said, you know, I don’t want kids anymore.
Things change so much. And I’m also just a firm believer that there’s so many different ways to have a life. And I can sort of see that for myself. I’m like, oh yeah, I could have had this other life and that would’ve been good. And my life now is also very good. And I think that part of maturing and having peace with yourself is just saying this is the path that I chose and I choose my choices.
And I’ll have the best life that I can give myself with this path. But there’s something about this thing that is so culturally driven and the majority of people have kids, it feels like it’s easier to doubt yourself than it is with so many other things.
There’s just like a very easy way to doubt yourself. And I think that is something that I struggle with. Even though at the end of the day, I don’t wanna be responsible for anyone. Like i’ve got animals, I’ve got a partner. I’m still not really responsible for anyone’s basic needs. I mean, the animals, they live the best life. But it’s pretty straightforward. But yeah, I like my life as it is, but that doubt thing still happens.